Not So Godly

Ada The Creator
Dec 4, 2023
4 min read

I jump at any opportunity to feel God,

to be in Eledumare presence.

To know mothers love deep in my core

Your religion hinders me, and I indulge, seeking clues about the beginning of existence.

Or perhaps I enjoy sitting on the balcony

removed yet aware of your hypocritical moral expectations.

You are committed to true religion, a vow to know one God, better yet God in one form, your prerogative, however I know God in more ways than one and pray for even more ways to know God better.

I first met God as a child, unconscious in a hospital bed, he was a man dressed in agbada watching me from the window as fear began to choke me up from within. He never left my side. God echoed all my life through worship songs, spirits, 5am Allahu Akbar from the mosque, through deities …yemoja, maa kali, and many divinities . God has never left my side.

God was there again whispering "false prophets, these are not my chosen" in my ears as your places of worship condoned pedophilia, sexual assault, gendered violence, sexism, racism, hate,…God is not in your defiled ass churches and sure is not in your pastors heart.

Best believe I felt God's love for me when I found out about my clitoris. I barely made the cut, quite literally as genital mutilation halted with me. Amongst other cycles. Clitoris cutting is very much still actively plaguing women and girls across the globe. Between your cultural and religious imprisonment of women's pleasure, yes I found out about my clit and God is worthy, hallelujah

I felt God's might when I tested the spirit of fire, pouring sand to put it out yet daring it to stay on. "Elements like fire, have spirits of their own" my ma warned me, coming out of hiding as she watched her mysterious child become startled when the fire became inflamed. To fear God's might is to honor and respect spirits, boundaries, yourself, your neighbor, God.

God held me as I sat on that bathroom floor weeping about starved and bottomless depths of hurt, begging for sweet nothings, release. Bi ban ke e e bo mi ban shan fi mi sile. If you see me crying and water flows leave me be.

Bi ban ke e e bo jo ba n ro fi mi sile. If you see my crying and rain pours leave me be. (Chorus from bibanke by asa) Mother showed me a vision and made me see, I am love, never the absence of. Because God is love.

While hiking at night with a lover. He bent me over against a tree, reminding me first that I was safe. I felt God as he slid his dick deep inside me ever so slowly, my back sunk and twirled deeper into rhythms only befitting of God's presence. Let me tell you there is God.

God was there by the water during my spiritual and shamanic awakening, I reconnected to an ancestry of traditionalists who knew God in many ways through many lives and we became one.

I feel God when my lover is on their knees, mouth wide open, tongue hanging out, eager to please and worship the sanctity between my thighs. Please note that I feel just as Godly on my knees too and you cannot tell me God is not there.

There are times I do not feel God, beyond the depths of the absence of love. My mind becomes trapped in the bane that is humanity. What the fuck yall? An 8 year old girl was found, with 67 people's DNA inside her. A 10 year old forced to carry a child full term is a debate. The youngest mother in the world is 5 year old. The horror tales from the girls kidnapped by boko Haram, increased suicide rates, spike in gendered violence since 2019, the rape kits crisis, gun violence and police brutality. Hate, the lives its taken and continues to take for granted, the gory details from genocides and femicides in Sudan, Palestine, Congo, Tigray, Haiti, Iran, India... Someone experiences rape or the attempt of, every 19 seconds in united states alone, guess how often in the world ? South Africa alone records a woman is killed every three hours, guess how often in the world? Black and indigenous femmes are still more likely to experience these violence than any other group, imagine on a global scale, can you imagine how often an adult, a being, a child experience violence on a global scale. Every second, milliseconds, don't blink an eye cause right now, now, now... where is outcry, where is God there?

Perhaps God is present here in this moment, the sensitivity and vulnerability of being human scorning at the bane of humanity. The solace from our collective consciousness to be less desensitized about the hurt and abuse of each other's free will. The audacity to prioritize respecting another's freedom to determine their own rules, rights and will over projecting our own trauma and tired ass opinions, hate and judgements.

Perhaps not, and there's no God at all, and earth is a complete wasteland.

Whatever your truth about existence.

I jump at any opportunity to feel God,

to be in Eledumare' presence.

To feel mothers spirit deep in my core

Your tired ass standards hinder me, and I indulge to be aware yet removed, because quite frankly fuck your standards and you too.